who am i?

my girlfriend jackie called me this afternoon to ask me a very interesting question. she's a new female friend i made at the gym while i was waiting for my yoga class. she's a chinese woman in her early thirties with a medium accent with questionable grammar and sentence structure.

jackie: hey how are you? what are you doing?

me: nothing, what's up?

jackie: what is that you call number one?

me: number one? as in pee?

jackie: no the other one for poo.

me: poo is number two.

jackie: ok, poo is number two.

me: yes, poo is number two.

jackie: i had some blood with my number two today. do you think it's cancer?

me: cancer? why do you think it's cancer?

jackie: doesn't blood with number two mean it's cancer?

me: jackie, blood in the stool could mean anything. i'm not a doctor and i can't say it's cancer or not. you need to go to your doctor, emergency, or a clinic and get this checked out.

jackie: i don't want to, i'm nervous.

me: has this happened before?

jackie: yes. this has happened two days in a row and i thought to call you to ask what you think. it's happened in the past, so it's not new. i get really constipated and i have to take pills. maybe because i go too hard and makes me bleed. maybe i have cancer?

me: jackie, i'm not a doctor and i'm not in any position to give advice, but if you're concerned and if i were you, i'd go see a professional about this.